**To start off this post…honestly, I’ve been putting off writing this or beginning to talk about this within my blog posts. But it’s important to me, and this blog is ultimately for myself as an outlet to express things through my life and recovery (as well as other things). My hesitation comes from parts of society having harsh judgments on Christianity, and I was worried about judgment or backlash. However, I hope after reading this whole post, readers would understand my reasons for my faith.**
In 12 Step recovery, they talk a lot about your Higher Power. I don’t struggle particularly with an SA related addiction, but I have been to 12 Step Meetings during my time at TK. I was raised going to Sunday School and went to a Christian camp every summer for seven years. Camp formed a lot of who I am and instilled a lot of strong values in me. Camp created and fostered my beliefs in being a person of integrity, living with grace and compassion, and being honest. The camp is specific to a certain form of Christianity.
I left that religion during my time in college, but I still held an overall belief in God. I was taught growing up that God is a loving God who cares for us, watches over us and forgives us. He is unconditional love. However, through my ED, I was consumed by my behaviors, focus on weight and calories, sneaking around, lying, and following Ed’s voice over what I knew God wanted me to do. My ED values image, weight, doing whatever it takes to become thin even if it’s going to make me lie or hurt other people and other superficial things. I lost my relationship and connection with God. I stopped focusing on Him and lost a lot of my faith.
My recovery and my motivation changed when God slowly started coming back into my life. During one of my darkest moments before heading back to TK for the second time, my dietitian who knew that my faith was still important to me deep down, advised me to pray about things. She told me comforting things that I needed to hear. When I got to TK, several staff members and friends also influenced and helped me come back to God.
For me personally, this has been the missing piece of my recovery. Finding my way back to God has changed my focus onto values that I believe God wants me to have. Spending time working on following the actions Jesus and God teach is leading me to the person I actually want to be. I’ll be integrating more about this into my future posts.