Beginning of the End

In Lord of The Rings, Gandalf speaks of how death is another adventure vs. being the ultimate end of something. Obviously, I’m not dying (yay!), but I’m still thinking about how the end of my time in IDC’s program is a new beginning. New beginnings are scary but also exciting. I’m about to start a new chapter in my life.

At my treatment program, we practice yoga daily. Today during yoga, a thought came into my head that feels deeply personal, but it’s still something I’ll choose to share because I found it powerful. A question kept repeating itself in my head throughout class…

Why should my confidence change because my body changed?

Sure, my confidence has certainly grown through being in treatment. However, I also believe that I always have had a lot of confidence in myself. I was just ashamed to display it. I was unaware of the fact that narcissism and confidence have great differences. Humility was another concept that I misunderstood. There is nothing humble about tearing yourself down…in fact, it’s almost just as self-centered as vanity. You can quickly become absorbed in and wallow in your own sense of self-pity.

At the moment, my confidence is larger and much more unapologetic. I wear the clothes I want to because it makes me feel confident and beautiful. I use my voice because I know that my words have value. I engage with others because I know I deserve to be seen.

It’s a clichĂ©, and it’s easy to deny…but confidence does come from the internal voice at the end of the day. Relying on appearance or on others leaves is empty and unfulfilled, at the end of the day. Our body is going to look how it’s going to look. We were born with what we’ve been given, and we have to accept it as best we can. Others can often let us down, not necessarily because they are cruel, they are simply human like we are.

Again, I ask my fellow recovery warriors and myself – Why should my confidence change because my body changed?


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