One year ago, November 7th, 2014, I walked through the doors of Pine Lodge at TK for the very first time. Previous to being admitted to TK…I had been inpatient at my local hospital for nearly four weeks. I was struggling to eat on my own and was given a nasogastric tube (feeding tube that goes down into your stomach. It had Boost in it) to provide adequate nutrition. I was struggling severely, but a small part of me still wanted to fight.
I spent seven long weeks at TK. I spent Thanksgiving and Christmas in residential. I remember Thanksgiving…I could barely get myself to eat anything. I sat in a small kitchen, crying, attempting to eat my food out of a styrofoam container. And I can’t even actually manage to write about how difficult Christmas was.
It’s been a year, and it’s been a long journey…after leaving TK for the first time, I was doing well for a while, but then I full on relapsed. I got sucked back into my disorder, and my depression/anxiety were raging. I ended up returning to TK for the second time around.
And that time, things really genuinely began to change. I started to legitimately gain hope that things would work out. I decided to work hard. I was done with my eating disorders. I began to fully realize that if I kept going with it…I was going to die. Following my second stay at TK for six weeks, I started PHP at IDC. Then I eventually transitioned to IOP. I realized and fully admitted how miserable I was living with the disorder. I was exhausted from putting all my energy into food, weight, calories, etc. I had lost a significant amount my authentic self to anorexia. It was causing me to be a person I didn’t want to be.
Now, it’s been two weeks since I graduated from my final treatment center. Some days, I still struggle, and I doubt recovery. However, overall, I am thrilled that I chose a different path for myself. I have learned so much about myself through this experience. I have grown in compassion, become wiser, found my faith in God again, and discovered an even stronger passion for helping others.
I have a long way to go from here. I am still healing from a lot of pain and struggles. But one day I know that I am going to take these struggles and use them as fuel to inspire others. I’m not sure what my future will be, of course, no one can predict that or control the future. But, I know that it’s going to involve helping others…because I fully believe that’s what God created me for.
To LCM, KBE, and EH – I couldn’t have done this without your support. You three have been by my side through all of this. I am so grateful for you ladies.
To my TK and IDC girls – thank you for your support, love, and making me laugh. You were a huge part of my recovery. Also, please don’t embarrass me so badly I have to hide under the table, ever again! 🙂
To everyone else in my life – I have been surrounded by so much love, encouragement, and support. When I started to share my story, I never expected that I would get so much support. I couldn’t do this without knowing so many people are cheering me on.