Today was hard. Often, I post things that are mainly positive and the “good” parts of recovery. I also desire to be honest, however, and the truth is that I am exhausted today and it was a really challenging day. I have said before that recovery is not easy…today definitely proved that true.
Yesterday was Thanksgiving and I spent the day with my dad’s side of the family. There was a large amount of food and I definitely felt stressed out. I made it through the hard day, though, and it went fairly well. However, I also had another family function today. This time, it was with my mom’s side of the family, and I was feeling infinitely more nervous for it. Because I was away at TK for Thanksgiving and Christmas last year, it had been two years since I had seen anyone (except for one cousin). I am also, overall, just not as close to this side of my family. Yeah…*SAVE ME*
All week leading up to today and all of this morning, my head was filled with challenging ED thoughts and I was so worried. My ED was fighting hard to convince me that everyone would see how I have become “fat” “huge” “disgusting” “ugly”, etc. and it was causing a lot of stress. When we arrived at the event, things were going well, and I felt decent. I got to hang out with a baby…so that was
pretty insanely fun. I managed to eat a healthy amount of food, it was an amount that fit into my meal plan, and I was feeling confident in my food choices.
(Note, the person I’m about to mention doesn’t have access to my blog)
And then, BAM, I got hit with an unexpected comment that really threw me off. As you can probably tell by my picture, or if you know me IRL, then you know I’m Korean and adopted. The rest of my family is tall. I mean, we have people who are 6’7″ in this family. So, we were talking about buying pants and the challenges. With my short legs, most pants have a mission to drown me in fabric! We were joking around…but my aunt specifically asked me what size I wear and made some comments about the size of my body. WHAT?! I mean, come on, we all know that my body is smaller than the rest of the family. It is simply fact, since I am a different race than the rest of my family. This comment was hurtful, rude, stressed me out, and made me extremely upset. I am still working on accepting my “new” body, now that I am a different weight than I was for several (unhealthy) years. I never expected the comment and I felt so unprepared to handle it. I was extremely uncomfortable and it did effect the rest of my time at the event.
I battled strong urges and I wanted to act on behaviors so badly. The negative ED thoughts flooded my head…”she sees how much weight I gained” “everyone is looking at my body now”, “I am so disgusting”, etc. I managed to reach out to some of my TK girls, and I made it through without using behaviors. I am proud of myself for that…and I am also just emotionally taxed from today. Today was a very strong reminder to me that recovery is a long process. Today showed me that I have made a lot of progress, and also that I have a lot more work to do. I am still struggling with ED thoughts, urges, etc. and I am just not feeling great overall.
Now, I am going to spend some time doing some self-care. I am going to show myself some love after dealing with a tough day. Tomorrow my best friend LCM is coming to visit me and I definitely need some L&L time with her! This is a journey…
Anorexia is tough, I am tougher.