2015 has been the most formative year of my life in terms of personal development and growth. January 2nd, 2015 I walked into IDC and did my official assessments to start their PHP program following a seven week stay at TK. From January to late May, I spent five days a week in the program, attending various groups, participating in different activities, and being challenged in different ways. In those five months, I would make progress and then suddenly fall back into struggling and using behaviors. I would get close to transitioning to IOP and then something would change. I learned a lot about myself and started to trust in others and let my guard down.
In May, things began to go downhill. I became overwhelmed with the gravity of what I was working through. Outside of program, I was not following my meal plan or doing what I was supposed to do to stay on track. Soon, I began to not comply with treatment within the program. After a lot of discussion with staff and several different events I left for a second stay in residential treatment. Leaving IDC was one of the hardest things I have done. I had been there for such a long time and it felt comfortable. I trusted the staff. At first, while I was at TK, I only went to groups because I wanted to get back to IDC and I barely cared about actual treatment. Slowly, things began to change, however. Through discussions with AS, my incredible dietitian, I finally began to understand that so much of my life had been stolen from my eating disorder. For a long time I lived thinking that the ED was enough for me. AS helped me see that my life had gone from a whole world to the restricted world of treatment. After six weeks at TK, I returned home to IDC and began their PHP program again.
My second time at IDC, I was ready to fight for what I truly wanted. One day, I had a disagreement with a staff member. Through tears, I told her, “I really want it this time.” She looked at me thoughtfully and told me “I have never heard you say that before.” I realized that she was right. I had been in treatment for months and months but I had never officially declared that I wanted recovery. I had said I did not want my disorder. However, that is not enough. I had to actively say that I wanted to recover.
I finished PHP and dropped down to IOP. After a while in IOP, I had an amazing day where I left program and was officially done with treatment. Currently, I am doing therapy/dietitian appointments once weekly. There have been challenges outside of treatment and it is not at all easy. Consistently, I am reminded that recovery is a daily choice. Every morning, I wake up and I am given a choice for the day. I have the choice to decide if I will listen to ED or to my own truth.