This week, I started a schedule for my blog with set topics for Monday, Wednesday, and Friday of each week. This is obviously a Tuesday. I considered writing this post and then publishing it later on, but the date holds a lot of significance. I wrote a post about the one year anniversary of starting at TK and I absolutely feel the need to write something for my time at IDC.
One year ago, I started a PHP program that has ended up changing my life beyond what I could have ever imagined. I had just spent 7 weeks at a residential treatment center following an inpatient stay of several weeks. I had been in treatment for what felt like an eternity. The PHP I was at is unusual because of the length of stay in program. PHP typcially is a few weeks and this program is a minimum of 7 weeks PHP followed by IOP. I had not known that the program was longer before starting and I was pissed off that I was going to be there so long. Well, jokes on me, because I ended up being in IDC’s PHP/IOP program for over 8 months. And, looking back, without those months I truly believe that I would not be alive today. IDC has gone from being one of my most hated places to a place I truly love.
How do you adequately have words for a place that has done so much for you? I am honestly unsure. I can not find those words inside myself, privately, let alone in a post.
I hated AAC when I first met her. I can not remember why I hated her. I am thinking that it is probably because she threatened my eating disorder so much. I had previous therapists beforehand but AAC was immediately different. I have been challenged since day one of working with her. This leads to me telling her 99% of the time that she is annoying…and also being forever grateful. On Monday, we briefly spoke about a year ago and she mentioned how much I have changed in the past year. I am aware that change comes only from the person who decides to make the change. I am aware that I am the one who decided to change. However, I am also aware that I could not have done this alone and that AAC has been a huge support in my recovery process. (Not physically…she’s only 5′ tall but so am I).
I could go on and on about how phenomenal the staff is at IDC. I have to acknowledge AAC since I still work with her weekly and because I have worked with her closely. There is another person I have to talk about because, as I have told her numerous times, she is one of my heroes. I got a hug from BM the first day I met her. I am not exactly a super huggy person so this is sort of an amusing story. She was hugging all the other girls at the end of the day and I was just awkwardly standing there. She turned to me and asked “would you like one, too?” Normally, I would be like HECK no. BM just has something about her and I have always felt comfortable with her. She has recovered from an eating disorder herself and her current work helping others through recovery has been a huge inspiration to me.
My time spent at TK, around 13 weeks over a span of two stays, definitely impacted me but IDC has changed my life. One of the biggest ways that IDC has changed my life is the fact that I finally decided I want recovery for me. When I went to TK the first time…I did not want an eating disorder but that does not mean I wanted recovery. I wanted to stop feeling so miserable, obsessed with food, and just generally sh*tty but I did not want to let go of my weight loss and I did not want to eat more. IDC taught me to understand what recovery truly meant because IDC allowed me to define recovery for myself. AAC, BM, and the rest of the staff consistently asked for my input on what my recovery could be and what I wanted it to be. I was given the power to choose what I was going to gain through letting go of my eating disorder.
Currently, I am still at IDC, once weekly for appointments with AAC and EC. My life is far beyond the bubble of IDC now and I am grateful that IDC helped me realize the strength I hold inside and helped me grow beyond the need for treatment into a life worth living.