This post is difficult for me to actually publish and put onto my blog. I am working to remind myself that this blog is about recovery and this is part of my recovery. It is also a side of me and my recovery that I do not always show or let people into.
The fact is that I am tired. I am very tired of trying to battle my mental illnesses, particularly my eating disorder. I am tired of my life being so full of therapy and dietitian sessions, doctor’s appointment, medications, meal plans, being weighed weekly, and more. It just feels exhausting.
I am overwhelmed. The idea of having to actively fight this eating disorder every single day seems so daunting. The idea that I have to wake up each morning and keep fighting seems like the scariest thing in the world at this moment. It is terrifying to realize that even with loads of support…I am still the only one who can do this at the end of the day. No one else can recover for me.
I am angry. I am so incredibly angry that I have to recover in the first place. I suppose anyone with a challenging illness, whether it is cancer or an eating disorder, feels this way at times. Some days I just want to scream for having to go through this. I know I am not the only person in the world going through a shitty situation, and I still have days where I am just enraged.
I know that it does get easier. I know that I can take it day by day. I know that I have truly made progress. I used to cry at nearly every meal and just taking a bite felt like running a marathon. These days, meals no longer feel like torture.
And, even so, I am still just really damn tired.