One day in group AAC asked us what our definition of recovery is. Now, if she had asked this when I had first met her I would have had NO idea what to say. For a long time recovery seemed to be something pressed upon me vs. something I had actually chosen. This question opened up the idea that I could define what the process of treatment was going to give me in the end. I realized the truth of how I am the one who is in charge of this story. Ultimately, this is my life and my recovery. I am the one who gets to choose where to go with the support, tools, coping skills, etc., that I have been given.
For quite some time, I would say that I wished I could be perfect at being anorexic. ES would tell me that perfection in anorexia does not exist because perfection only means death. However, I remained convinced that I somehow had some sort of special power where I would not die. I had some sort of thing about me that would let me get thinner and thinner but remain alive. I think that a lot of other people who have struggled with an eating disorder can relate to the denial and the “not me” feelings. At the time of the group when AAC asked the question I was in a much better place and it was easier for me to see that the way to be perfectly anorexic is to eventually die…
There I was…challenged to dig deep down and find what recovery truly meant to me. I spoke and came up with words that I truly believe, “Recovery mean being the best version of ME, not my eating disorder!” It was like everything had finally clicked. I finally understood that I truly desired to be my authentic self. I did not want to be the person I was when I followed my eating disorder. That person was not always honest, did not have energy, isolated, was not as good of a friend, etc. I like the me in recovery.
I left group that day feeling empowered and inspired. I had spent group really thinking about why I was continuing to try and recover. It felt so good then and still feels good now to think about my intention for recovery. The definition of recovery is different for everyone, but that one is what I believe in 🙂
Lol…once again I have changed my blog theme/format but I am totally loving this current one! I think this one is the one I’ll finally stick to.