This is a really difficult post for me to write and it is even scarier to actually post it. I am anxious about looking back at an extremely difficult time in my life. This post is about my personal experience dealing with depression and suicide. This post is such an emotional journey for me to re-experience through my writing.
I have dealt with some form of clinical depression for nearly a decade now. It hit strongly when I was 12 years old and I have struggled with it ever since. At first, I did not really understand what was going on. All I knew is that I felt extreme sadness, but also an empty and hollow feeling. Life felt heavy and I began to wonder if I even wanted to live anymore. I struggled through middle school with occasional suicidal ideation and once I hit high school the urges became extremely strong. I remember a time where I would sit in class and not be able to pay attention. All my mind could think about was ways that I wanted to end my own life. I thankfully made it through high school but there were numerous times where I came inches away from attempting to take my own life. In college, things got very bad. My urges to end my life became stronger and the pain I was feeling seemed to be amplified. My self harm was happening more frequently.
When I came home from college in 2014…I was dealing with the worst point of my eating disorder, severe depression, and undiagnosed PTSD. Each day seemed to get worse and worse. My head was constantly filled with the want to act on my urges. I thought constantly about plans of how to commit suicide. I came close to attempting nearly every single night that summer. And then one afternoon, I finally did attempt by taking handfuls of pills. I was alone and with my friends reassurance I called an ambulance for myself and I was taken to the ER. My body was so weak from my ED and I ended up in the hospital’s Intensive Care Unit. It was so fear inducing and my whole family had to deal with one of the scariest situations of our lives.
However, here is the thing. I took pills that I knew would not kill me. Yes, they left me quite sick but it would be nearly impossible for me to die from taking them. So…why did I take the pills then? I took those pills because I had no words to describe how deeply in pain I felt, inside and out. I felt like I could not stand to breathe another second. I felt so empty and numb. Every inch of my body was exhausted from wishing I was dead. I felt so hopeless. But……did I really want to die?
I highly doubt that I did. What I wanted was for someone to really listen. Taking the pills was my way of screaming out about how in pain I felt. I felt like I had no other way to show others of how much pain I was in. I did not know how to reach out for help.
And, I think that most other people also feel this way. I did not want to die, I just could not stand to live the way I was living at the moment. I needed a way to escape from being in excruciating emotional/mental pain. I felt like I was being crushed by the pain I had inside. I did not want to die, but to feel something else. Somedays the depression still gets bad. The emptiness comes back and I feel like I cannot live with these mental illnesses. Thankfully, this time around I have medication that helps me stay stable and a strong support system that helps keep me afloat.
Today, I am glad that I am still here.
To those out there who are struggling with these thoughts. Please, tell someone. I have been in your place and I can tell you that it absolutely can become better. It is not worth it to try and kill yourself. The world needs you and you would be missed. Your head is lying to you and you are important. You are beautiful. I know everything hurts but I also know that you are stronger than you know. Please, get professional help from a therapist and/or psychiatrist. Depression and suicidal ideation can be helped through talk therapy and/or medication. Do not give up just yet.
If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts PLEASE tell someone. If your friend has talked about ending there own life then tell their parent, guardian, the police, etc.
USA Suicide hotline – 1-800-273-TALK(8255)
USA Crisis Textline – Text “start” to 741-741