Today has been quite a day. I ended up going to IDC three times. I had a mid morning session with AAC, afternoon session with EC and then I went to support group tonight. It has felt like a roller coaster of a day. I am feeling emotionally exhausted and drained from today. I have gone through a lot of emotions and have been reminded that recovery is a crazy journey of ups and downs.
This morning when I met with AAC I got a bit of a scare. Ok, more than a little bit. When I walked into AAC’s office after getting my vitals done…I could tell that something was happening. She told me that my weight has gone done a significant amount in the 4.5 days since I had seen her last. I got a strict warning that if I lose anymore then I will probably have to go to a higher level of treatment. Ok, that is scary as hell. AAC said that one of her main concerns is with the health of my heart. That is scary since obviously my heart is so important. Later, when I met with my dietitian BC she said she was also concerned.
It is really scary to think that I was doing poorly enough that I could be sent back to a higher level…and I was not even aware of what was happening….how could I have not known how much I was restricting my food intake?
But here comes the difference. AAC and BC both suggested me buying Ensure so that I would have that as an option if I am really struggling with eating. So, I put on my big girl panties and asked M to go to the store on the way home. I got two cases of it because I know that I may need it. Actually, that I do need it. I also went home and ate my whole dinner because I was hungry and also because I need to fight for this. I stood up for myself in that way.
Later, I went to support group and it was a great group. There was only four of us and two of my friends were there. I was able to open up and share how I have been feeling. I got a lot of support, however, and I am feeling more and more comfortable being at the group. I love having the weekly support. I went to group and I actually used group to be supported by other people. I am proud of how I used that support. I shared how I am overwhelmed by recovery. I am terrified of the idea that recovery means I will never get to use behaviors again. I will have to eat a meal plan amount of food everyday for my life. F*** that is the scariest feeling.
Today I have been reminded over and over again to be more mindful about my mindset and what I have been doing. During group another girl was talking to me about how I do not have to do it every single day. I just have to do it for that day…or even just that moment. When I was in PHP at IDC, during a session with BC she gave me a challenge. She challenged me to follow my meal plan just for the rest of the week. She told me how I could always go back to my ED. She just wanted it for a few days and then to have me see how I felt. That is what I need to do now. I need to just follow it a day at a time.
I want to keep going. I want to recover. I really, honestly, truly, absolutely do. This is so hard. I feel so awful today, to be honest, as I am exhausted in every way. So, today, I will just keep walking forward. Step by step I will continue on.