I was going to title this post “Thoughts Post-Recovery” but then I realized I could make the title have alliteration and that made me smile. Anyways, I had therapy today and it was quite an adventure after Tuesday’s ordeal. On Tuesday, I posted about how I had been at IDC three times that day for therapy, meeting my dietitian and then support group. I had also been issued a warning of returning to higher care if I did not eat better before today.
Well, today I walked it feeling fairly apprehensive about returning to therapy. I got there and tried to get away from doing vitals. I was semi annoyed when they told me I still had to be weighed. I knew that they were going to do it for AAC to see but I still felt so anxious and awful being weighed. It gives me so much anxiety. Although, I am also happy that I was weighed so that AAC could see that I am doing better with eating currently.
Therapy was much better this week. I talked to AAC about how much I am struggling with eating. I told her how I cried most of yesterday and felt like I was being tortured when I ate. She said, “and what do you think about that?”I came to the realization that I can bawl everyday as long as I continue to eat. Using my DBT Wise Mind skill I can be terrified to eat AND also eat anyways. I can have two conflicting thoughts and still act on what I know is best for me. I am choosing to fight for the side I want to win. Especially since “winning” at my ED is only dying.
We also talked about the idea that a feeling is not a fact. ES really helped challenge me with this idea. This is something that I have really been working on recognizing. I can feel that, “I can’t do this. I can’t eat today.” and I can also still eat. A feeling is not a fact. It was good to be reminded of this today in therapy.
Talking about being gentle with myself was also very important today. I am often someone who struggles with wanting instant gratification. I want to snap my fingers and have things happen. Part of why I will sometimes use behaviors is because they have an instant effect. Not that that instant effect is helpful or healthy of course. I want to be in a better state with eating and essentially back to where I was when I left IDC in October. I need to be straight, honest, compassionate, and patient with myself. I need to meet myself where I am at. I just left inpatient a little bit over two weeks ago. I just had a NG tube again because I could not eat enough. I am at a different place than I want to be and I also cannot change that I am. I can only love myself through that.
Also, I am still dealing with refeeding symptoms and it is so uncomfortable. My stomach is so distended and a lot of my weight has gone directly to my stomach. I am working to remind myself that refeeding is unavoidable. If I do not move through this and keep eating then I will just have to go through this again. The reason why my body puts weight on my stomach is because it is trying to protect the organs that I have recently been adding damage to. I have to work hard to be healthy. The only way out is through.
After therapy I have also been thinking about the idea that “We can’t hate ourselves into a version of ourselves we can love.” I think I will post a whole thing of this idea but it is something I am pondering over today. I have been so harsh of myself recently and it is only making me feel so much worse. I need to be kind to myself much more than I have been at all.
I have a lot to think about today…I am working through a lot in my head. Ultimately, I am grateful for a phenomenal therapist and for her support and help. I am grateful, lucky, and blessed to have her in my life. I am so grateful for IDC for all of the staff’s amazing encouragement and love.