Boop, two posts today 😛 🙂
You have possibly noticed by now that I like to write myself letters. I want to be a social worker, and I am good at being nice to others and giving them advice. I am often told to take my own advice and writing letters to myself helps me work on self-compassion. I wanted to write myself a letter to the girl of where I am right now.
Dear Lily of 2016,
The past few weeks have been such a roller coaster. You returned to the hospital for your mental illnesses around a month ago, and that was so tough on you. You have felt so much shame for returning to treatment. You saw it as a weakness at first, and some days you still feel that way. No, it is a sign of your resilience. It is a sign that you have kept forging ahead despite going through hell and back. I know things have been up and down since leaving the hospital and I am also so proud of you for finding hope. I know deep down that you finally want to recover. Yesterday, you talked to AAC about how you have had days where you have tasted the sweetness of days free of you eating disorder. And, that gives you hope.
I know that right now you are struggling with blaming yourself for your rapes. Hon, please do not. You are so strong in being an advocate for others. You constantly tell other survivors not to blame themselves. I know it drives you crazy when people say, “what would you say if another survivor was sitting in that chair?” However, I want to challenge you to think about that. You have such a big heart for others, and I want that big heart also to go to you. Please, give yourself compassion. You did not deserve it, and it is NOT your fault.
You are alive. I remember so distinctly the many nights in high school and college where you felt you could not stand to take another breath. You wished so intensely to die. You. Are. Still. Here. I want to remind you of that if the dark thoughts ever come back again. You have held on through so much. Take in a breath. Know that you are alive. Feel that in your body and mind. I am proud of you. I sometimes feel guilty for saying I am proud of you, but I am. I promise.
Hon, you are stronger than you realize and such a fighter. I love you. You are beautiful, strong, amazing, a force to be reckoned with, and a little sass queen. Do not ever lose your spunk.
Lil from 2K16