Since I left the hospital around a 4 or 5 weeks ago…things have been pretty much up and down. Some days I want recovery, and I feel great. Others I have such strong urges to go back to my eating disorder. However, I know that I do not want to go back to the person I was when I was at the worst point in my eating disorder. I was so far from my authentic self. I would sneak around behind people’s backs, lie to people’s faces, and I was so self-centered. The past few weeks I have been telling AAC “This is so hard!!!” and she always responds that it is but that it is also worth it. I believe that 98% and I am working hard to get that missing 2% into my mind.
One thing that helps me is reminding myself of all that my eating disorder stole from me. I have missed holidays because of my eating disorder. I have spent moments that should have been happy ones miserable because I was so consumed by my disorder. I have lost a lot of friendships and fell out of touch with certain people. My health was stolen from me, and I am still working to get things like my strength back. I was not able to return to college because of treatment. In general, the time I was in treatment could have been used for something else greater than being stuck in an endless routine. Anorexia is a thief that I want to take back my life from. I deserve to have my own life.
It has been a bitter pill to swallow that I am where I am at with recovery. Last year, I thought by now that I would be much farther along in recovery. I even imagined being completely recovered and never using behaviors again. However, I can sit wallowing about that…or I can look at what I have accomplished. I used to compare myself to others when I was really sick, and I sometimes compare myself to others in the speed that they have recovered. I need to accept that I am where I am. I cannot change that overnight, but I can keep forging ahead as best I can. I am 111 days free of one of my eating disorder behaviors!
Right now, it feels like a roller coaster. However, I have amazing friends, the best therapist an excellent dietitian. Their support keeps me so strong.
I am trying…