OK, I know I changed my blog theme again even though I said I would not….I have such a hard time picking, but I have fallen in love with this current one. It has everything I have been looking for in a theme, yay. I was looking at my blog earlier, and I did not like how the posts were shifted to the left of the screen. In my opinion, this new theme makes it easier to read posts. I hope you all feel the same! 🙂
Today I went to see AAC for therapy. I mentioned in yesterday’s post that I went to see Dr P. yesterday and I did not step on the scale backwards, so I saw my weight. AAC and I talked about my feelings around this. I mentioned something happened at Dr. P’s and AAC immediately knew what I was going to say…she can read me very well (sometimes that is annoying, hah). Honestly, it has been very hard for me post looking at my weight. I have had a lot of self-judgement around my decision to look. I feel like a failure/mess up for looking at it when I could have easily turned around to avoid seeing the number. I knew it would trigger me. AAC worked to remind me that the only way I can go is forward. I need to remember that it was not fully me making that decision, but ED. She told me that my weight does not define me and that I am still beautiful, worth it, smart, funny, and all sorts of other awesome things outside of my body. Weight =/= worth! It was hard to believe her, and I still have negative self-image thoughts, and I am still trying my best to fight them.
However, I was able to see still that Lil is inside me. That authentic voice is still there, and it is not giving up this battle. I was able to use my DBT skills and look at the big picture. I was just in the hospital where I gained some weight from being expected in the hospital to be eating meals at the same time as having the NG tube in. I was recently put on a medication that does cause weight gain, which I did stop because of it. I am still going through re-feeding and it is probably some water retention. Also, the weight settles on your stomach first and then your body evens out. See, the logical Lil is still in there 🙂
I told AAC about how I have a hard time because I weigh significantly more than I have ever weighed. But, then I had the clearer thought that I have also been struggling since I was 13/14 years old. So, I really have been slightly underweight/quite underweight for most of my life. AAC said something to me that really hit me hard and helped me with my negative thoughts. She said, “you also have not been this old before” meaning that I am at a healthy weight for this moment. At 22, I have grown, and I cannot compare my body know to back in 8th/9th grade when this all started! I need to fight to show myself that my body is perfect in this moment! That is so hard, and I also know it is possible.
My battle with my body image is so challenging, especially today 😛 I will keep fighting, though. I know that I have looked in the mirror before and thought DAMNNNN GIRL YOU LOOK SMOKINg. Lol, I am such a dork, guys. Seriously though, I have felt so confident before and I know I can keep going until I find that view again. I am still a warrior and I am not letting the enemy push me down!!!