*sigh* today I am tired. Physically, I did wake up at 5:30 AM. However, I am talking much more about being mentally tired. I am struggling to accept and face that my mental illnesses are real. Now, I am not in denial. I think that denial and not accepting something are quite different. I am no longer in denial that I struggle with these illnesses. I do have an eating disorder. I do have depression and anxiety. I do have PTSD. These things are real, and I do not deny the reality or truth of them.
That does not mean that I do not want to run away from them. I accept that can are present and I do not want to accept that they are there. There is pain in these truths, and they are so challenging to face. It is painful to look back on these past years at the story of my eating disorder. This ED has been in my life for basically nine years. I have been through such challenging experiences. I have almost lost my life several times. I have watched my family and friends deal with the pain of seeing me struggle and suffer. I wish I could erase those moments. Why would I want to accept that so many horrible things have happened as a result of my ED? It feels surreal and almost like a dream.
My biggest challenge with acceptance is when it comes to accepting my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and the fact that I have been through such horrible trauma. I minimize what has happened because it is “easier” to do. The pain still exists, though, and I do know deep down that the pain is still there whether or not I accept it entirely. I want just to run and run and run and run and run away from it. I want to try and escape it as best I can. It happened, though. It is real, and I will have to accept it eventually before I can heal and move on from being so entrapped by the struggle. I wish that the trauma could just have never happened. I want to erase what happened because it hurts to an endless amount. It feels like being crushed by an infinite amount of weight, being punched in the stomach, again and again, not knowing when I start to cry if the tears will ever stop and being shredded apart.
I still ask the question of why? Why did these things have to happen? It is real…and I do not want them to be real. However, I also know that I can take the chance to let them make me a stronger person. Going through this pain has forced me to stay resilient and face things I never imagined would and could ever happen. I have grown in seeing how much I am able to survive. I have been inspired through experiencing these things and it is part of why I have chosen to be a social worker and eventually become a therapist.
Today, I do feel sad, empty, crushed by the weight of this, in pain, and just beat down. I do know, however, that I have had better days before. I will do my best to keep marching forward, and I will come to a happier place once again.