It’s been a long time since I have written any blog posts. Things have been quite challenging currently.
Yesterday, I met with AAC, and I had one of the hardest sessions of my life. I had one of my worst days in months, and I ended the day absolutely exhausted. I met with BC my dietitian before meeting with AAC, and I began to cry during our session. I told her how defeated I feel about recovery. My hope is very low when it comes to my ability to recover. I cried to her telling her that I will never beat my eating disorder. She reminded me of all the things I have done that are progress. She had me grab an Ensure and food bar at the end of our session since I had not eaten at all that day.
I walked into my therapy session, and Alex immediately noticed the food I had in my hand. I explained to her what was going on. She told me that we should start with me eating my food and I immediately burst into tears. I was shaking and could barely get words out. AAC told me to just put the food down next to me and to have it out of my hands to lower my panic. I grabbed a tissue and sobbed to her saying that I cannot ever recover and that I will always fail at getting better. I explained to her how much I am struggling with behaviors. I could not look at her and was curled up in a ball of tears. We talked about a lot of difficult things. I told her how worthless I am feeling. I asked her why she has not given up on me yet. She told me that she has not because she knows I can do this. She promised me that she cares 100% and that BM, BC, and ES also believe in me and the rest of the IDC fam. I begged her to give up on me, and she said that she never will. And, I know that she never will. She is always going to be my cheerleader.
She read a letter I had written to someone, and I fell apart. She mentioned how hopeful and strong my voice was in the letter. I felt so miserable that I cannot find that voice right now. She also read me a list of goals that I had set for myself back in August. It also sounded so different. I had written affirmations I can tell myself when I need them. One of them was “I am beautifully and wonderfully made.” Wow, I need to lean on my faith more than I am. She kept telling me how amazing I am and all of the reasons I am. I could not look at her face the whole time because I felt so ashamed about her caring about me. She told me, “Don’t say that relapsing is easier than recovery. Because it looks fucking harder.” Yes, she says the F word sometimes, and I love it.
Towards the end of the session, she made a compromise with me. She told me that I could skip the food bar and just have the Ensure. I opened it, shaking so extremely hard and crying. I took a sip and completely lost it. She began to read my affirmations to try and help me. I took some sips and got to about 95% away from finishing. I told her that finishing is the hardest part. Because finishing is a fully screw you at my eating disorder. She told me that she was right there for me and I finally choked down the last sip. Next session, Thursday we are going to talk about what is going to happen next. Our plan was to end our two sessions a week and drop down to one at the end of March. We may continue doing two sessions, or if things get too bad, I will be sent to inpatient or some form of treatment, again.
I am so scared. I have fallen so fast into my disorder again. I am using so many behaviors, and I am terrified that this is going to finally kill me. I am ready, to be honest with my treatment team this time. I know that this needs to be nipped in the bud before things get any worse. The amount that I am struggling is high, and I cannot do this on my own. I am ready to stop fighting back at my treatment team and surrender to the process. They are the trained professionals, and they truly do know what is best for me. I am the one who has not worked my absolute hardest and has never let them fully teach me everything I need to know. They are there for me and the love me. I am so frozen with paralyzing fear, and I do not want to die from this. I really honestly do not.
Well, there is the honest truth about what is going on. I try to be positive in my posts, but I also know that sometimes things just cannot be positive because the struggle is also a part of life.
Please, if you pray then pray for me right now. I need it so much. ❤