I have not been writing on my blog recently. Things have been so bad, and I just did not feel like I wanted to write because everything in my life has been really negative and horrible. I am really struggling with a lot of things. My life has been causing fear for my friends, my dietitian, and my therapist.
I had therapy today. It is so scary when you see on AAC’s face that she is so worried and cannot hide it from me. Typically she keeps a neutral face. I was really honest about how badly I am struggling. My ED is kicking my ass, and that is so scary. I know that I am hurting my body so much, but I am struggling so much to stop. AAC is worried about the damage I have done to my heart. I have also been struggling with other behaviors. My depression has gotten worse and worse each day. I just bawled in therapy the whole session and AAC was so concerned about me. She talked to me about how her hands were tied. She saw me doing worse by the minute. She told me that I was going to have to go to the hospital.
I was SO mad at AAC, and I begged her to not send me there. I tried to promise her that I was going to be OK until I see her on Monday. She asked me how I will be able to make it to Monday without harming myself. I yelled at her to just leave me alone. She said she never would and that she cares about me so much. I told her different skills I can do such as painting, playing with Pepper, reaching out to friends, taking a bubble bath, listening to Sara Bareilles, etc. I just need to take it day by day or even hour by hour until I see AAC on Monday. I am going to try because I want to try to be OK.
I am meeting EH next weekend. We have been friends for three years, but we have never met. We connected through Tumblr actually…but do not worry we both know that neither of us is a secret creep or sociopath. I am SO excited to see her. It is going to be so much fun. I cannot wait to meet her! Hugging her is going to be awesome. We will probably confuse my parents when we meet because we might tear up or actually cry. However, I need to work harder on things, of course, so I can be healthy enough to actually go. EH is in recovery too, and I cannot make her triggered by what I am doing. Meeting her is something I need to fight for and use for motivation to be healthier.
Everything hurts a lot right now. I have cried so much all day, and it has been stressful and so challenging. I just want to sleep for so long to avoid feeling this shitty. I am so worried about what is going to happen when I see AAC and BC on Monday. Hanging out until Monday will be a challenge but I will try to use my skills to make it through.