Things Suck a Ton Still

Ugh. This week has been such a struggle and just plain awful. Really, the past two weeks have been progressively worse and worse. My eating disorder is kicking my ass so damn much, and I am feeling so defeated right now. I am losing faith in my ability to believe in myself and my own strength. Therapy has just been hours of crying during sessions and making AAC worry. I am physically and mentally exhausted.

I am so grateful that this weekend will be a distraction for me. Today, we decorated Easter eggs with my family. That was a good distraction, but I still did not want to really do it because of how awful I feel. It was stressful to try and act like I am fine. I was so stressed about the food they had there, and I avoided the food. However, they then brought out a cheesecake, and I ended up eating more than I am comfortable with. That plus the other food I have eaten today makes me feel gross and guilty. I hate my body so much right now, and I feel so ugly.

PTSD is a b**** to handle and I am so tired of it. My sleep has been so awful recently because of how bad my symptoms have gotten again. “Awesome” hah. PTSD causing you to not feel safe anymore, including your own home, is so horrible because that means I have nowhere I feel safe other than in AAC’s office during therapy. I am at least able to fully trust AAC and not feel terrified while I am there.

I just need a hug and/or cuddles right now. I am lonely, and that is not helping my depression/bad thoughts. I hate that these blog posts have not been positive recently, but it is impossible for me to feign being happier. My body and mind are filled with a lot of fear and being completely overwhelmed. I am trying to just take things one moment at a time.

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