I have done a lot of Dialectical Behavior Therapy before, and I have found it to be very helpful. DBT is about the idea that two opposing ideas can happen at the same time. Instead of saying “I am happy, but annoyed” you change the sentence to “I am happy and annoyed.” You do this because you are acknowledging that both things can happen at the same time. Today I was reminded of dialectics when I went to fill out my mealtime thoughts and feelings log.
I mentioned in yesterday’s post that BC challenged me to eat three meals a day for at least a couple of days this week. I decided that I would bite the bullet and do it today so that I would have at least one day where I could say I did it. I easily ate breakfast. However, I fell asleep on the couch by accident and woke up at 2:10…work starts at 2:30. It would have been really easy to make my lack of time an excuse to restrict lunch. Instead, I grabbed two Ensures to drink on my way there because that counts as a meal in terms of my exchanges. I had dinner tonight with M before I headed off to support group. During group I ended up talking a lot, bringing up my own challenges and also getting support and advice from others. I was engaged in the group, and I felt like it was productive. However, I started doing my dinner meal log, and I could have immediately burst into tears. I most likely would have if I had been alone at the time.
Frankly and honestly, I am so angry at myself right now. I am filled with guilt and anxiety over the fact that I ate “too much food and too many calories!” My mind immediately goes to thoughts that I am fat, disgusting, ugly, lazy, etc. I am sitting here writing this, and I wish I could take a knife and somehow cut my fat off my body until I am __ pounds. I feel extremely self-conscious, and my thoughts keep going back to my body weight and how I look. It has been months since I have eaten this much. My mind is freaking out right now because of it. I want to never have to do it again because I feel so awful about it. I sort of hate myself for listening to BC’s challenge for me. My urges to lose weight are unyielding.
And (not but) I can also see that those are eating disorder lies and not the truth. Logically, I know that I will not gain weight from eating three meals a day. It just is not possible! I know that calories are simply a unit of energy for our bodies instead of being evil little things that make me look gross or unattractive. I trust BC and AAC deep down, and I trust them to not make me eat too much food or make me gain too much weight. I can feel these negative things I mentioned above and also know the truths I know about nutrition, what my team has said to me, etc.
I do not know that I am beautiful at whatever weight. I do not know yet that my worth does not change depending on how little I weigh. I do not know yet that other people do not care that much about my weight and do not immediately see me as disgusting when I walk into a room or down the street. I do not know yet how to love myself.
And, I am trying to. I will keep forging ahead through the storm.