I’m back! At least for today. I have been missing blogging so much, and now that I am in a better state of mind I am ready to start writing again 🙂
So, I am hesitant to share the reason why I have been gone. However, I have always felt the want and need, to be honest, and straightforward about my recovery. I have not been blogging because for several weeks, I have been in a full on relapse of eating disorder behaviors. That is why I have not written a “real” post since mid-April. I was planning on writing on Monday, and I ended up not feeling up to it. Today will be what I intended to write Monday.
On Monday, I met with BC and AAC. Both of these sessions were challenging and overwhelming. I told them about some scary health symptoms I had been experiencing. My health issues from my eating disorder have been heart related. I am taking medication that helps my blood pressure stay stable. BC looked the most concerned about me in the entire time we have worked together. At the end of us talking she had me grab an Ensure to drink while meeting with AAC for my therapy session. I walked into my session with AAC and, of course, she noticed the Ensure right away. I did not want to drink it at all. My eating disorder thoughts were so loud telling me it was bad to “eat” aka drink. AAC said we were going to have me drink it before anything else to get it over right away. I bitched and complained to her about how much I did not want to drink it. Finally, I took a deep breath, worked through my fear and chugged it.
AAC wondered about what was going on since I had walked in with Ensure. She knew from the Ensure that I had not eaten enough that day for BC to have given it to me. She is aware of how much I have been struggling and relapsing quickly back to my eating disorder. AAC has been straightforward that what has been happening is entirely a relapse and that I cannot ignore what is going on. She told me that I have one week to eat better or I will be sent to a higher level of care. It would most likely be the hospital 😛 yuck. I was struggling to talk to her and get my thoughts out of my mind into the conversation. My emotions and feelings felt so overwhelming and confusing.
My family is currently doing an appeal to get my insurance to pay for my stay at PHP/IOP at IDC. I was there for 8.5 months, and they refused to pay a single dollar. Alright, that is not what I want to talk about, but it gives context to what is coming next. AAC needed me to sign the letter that I wrote to my insurance. I was in the hospital when I was supposed to write my letter. However, I had written a blog post earlier and read it to AAC during a session. She loved it and thought it would be great to add to the documents and letters for the appeal. She needed me to sign what I had written to be able to put with everything else we needed to send to the insurance company.
Here is the link if you’d like to read the blog post I am referring to – What is Recovery?
However, AAC read it to me first. Hearing her read it affected me in a strange way. I could barely believe that those words were mine! When I told her that, she mentioned how I had written those words back in November of last year. She told me how I had been nourished enough then to have those positive thoughts. Then…she said that she wanted me to read it to her and then sign it, not just for the insurance appeal, but as a promise to myself. I was thinking “Hell NO!” I always feel embarrassed reading out loud to her, especially if she tells me to. It took me a while to read it, and I was feeling quite anxious. I began to read it and partway through I became emotional. When I was in the middle of reading what the positive things about recovery…I realized how badly I wanted those things. I got teary eyed and I sort of tried to hide it from AAC even though I knew she could tell lol.
Reading the last paragraph led to me full out crying and choking out the words as I read it. It gave me so much clarity into what my authentic self actually believes and why I have chosen to fight against anorexia and reach real recovery. It was very emotional to read it. It moved me, and I had to remind myself that these words were written by me.
But ultimately, recovery is like coming home. Recovery is coming home to the real, authentic, and genuine person inside of you. That person has always been inside of you. That beautiful, strong, powerful individual has been dying to be set free. That person has hopes, dreams, laughter, smiles, uniqueness, strength, and their own characteristics NO ONE ELSE HAS!! Recovery is your chance to let that person have their moment to shine. Your eating disorder thrives from convincing you that all you will ever be is ugly, worthless, unlovable, and all those other nasty words it gives you. Those are the words that actually describe your eating disorder. Recovery helps us all to see that who we are as individuals is not defined by anything other than the content of our character.
Authentic, what a powerful word to live by and focus on. My authentic self wrote that I am unique and that I am “not defined by anything other than the content of [my] character.” These words came from me and from my truth. I was and am moved by my own convictions.
AAC asked me why these strong emotions had come to the surface. One of the things I told her was that I wanted those good moments recovery gives us so badly. I miss those things. The desire in my heart to gain that all back is strong and blazing through my body. When I told Alex, “I want that again.” she looked at me with a face that showed pride and also a sense of hope in my recovery. She told me that she had never heard me say that before. I could tell how much she loved me hearing that and loved knowing that I am going to try and get back into the fight against this horrible monster of an illness that tries so desperately to kill you.
I did struggle today with eating enough food. However, Tuesday and yesterday I did much better with eating an increased amount. Am I following my whole meal plan now? No. The effort is still there, however, and BC and AAC will be able to see that and be proud of me for it. Recovery is so damn hard, and I am also so glad that I am choosing it again. I want to work so hard this time around and reach the recovery that I deserve! I am completely aware and not at all in denial about how challenging and taxing this will be. AND I know how badly I want to work for it 🙂 One moment at a time…