There Are Hard Days…And Then Really Hard Days

I am going to try to finally be frequently posting. I especially need it right now with everything that is happening in my life. Today (or technically yesterday) has been a tough day. I will write about this in two parts.

My apologies for horrible typos and grammatical errors. I wrote this in one go, and I am too exhausted from the day to edit it. I will probably do that tomorrow.

Part One – Finding Out About E

I woke up to a message from the mom of a friend of mine. I had not heard from my friend in a while, and her mom gave me the news of why I had not. E is in the hospital and is very sick. In December they discovered calcification lesions in her brain. Currently, she has been diagnosed with an undetermined rare genetic brain disease. This disease is incurable, and her health will continue to get worse. E is only 12 and her birthday is this Sunday. No child should have to 1. celebrate a birthday in a hospital 2. finally become a teenager and not spend that time with her friends at school 3. not get a chance at a summer vacation. This news has been so heartbreaking. E is one of the greatest kids I know. She is so sweet, loving, funny, kind, and an amazing friend. She is incredibly strong and has been such a champion through this.

It is so scary to know that I cannot do anything to help someone I hold so dearly. If I could, I would take all of this away from her immediately, if I could trade places with her, I honestly would. No one deserves to go through all of this, especially a kid like E. It is very difficult to not feel so helpless right now. I am glad that I have MB who also knows E. It gives me a chance to talk to a friend who understands what it is like to see E be sick like this. We are both Christian and have the ability to support each other through our faith. I am working hard to lean on God to pray for the family and also for peace in my own life, now that I know what is going on. In times like these, for me, faith in God is one of my biggest comforts.

Her family would strongly appreciate good thoughts, love, prayers, etc., for E as she endures all of this.

Part Two – Therapy After Two Weeks Without a Session

AAC has been sick recently, so my appointments have been getting canceled. I finally met with her today, and I felt so relieved. Sometimes, there is something I need to specifically talk to AAC about vs. my friends or family. For one, I have amazing friends who support me and give me so much love. However, they are also a part of my life beyond an office, unlike AAC. Secondly, AAC has training in mental health, and that is of particular importance when it comes to dealing with PTSD and trauma.

Certain very challenging things have happened recently, and I have been struggling. My former college had their graduation the weekend before last. The graduation happening has lead to many emotions. I am so incredibly hard on myself, and I am finding it challenging to not judge myself for not graduating. I know that I needed to be in treatment and that without treatment…I would have been either be too sick to truly pay attention in school or dead. Additionally, it is just painful to know that I have been kept from my education due to something I never chose to have. This stupid eating disorder has taken so much from me and my life. I am so angry that I have had all these things stolen from me.

Furthermore, the person who raped me was a part of that graduating class. I have been through a whirlwind of emotions, particularly during the weekend of the graduation, as well as currently. I have been angry, speechless, terrified, self-blaming, and other feelings and emotions I cannot name. It seems so unfair that he was allowed to graduate when a large part of why I have not, is due to PTSD that keeps me from being able to be on a college campus again. I have had increased flashbacks and panic attacks. The weekend of the graduation and a few days after had me in constant panic attacks and little sleep. Thankfully, the flashbacks and panic attacks have decreased quite a bit. Before I knew where ____ was due to him being in college, now I cannot and do not know exactly where he is anymore. Not knowing feels so incredibly terrifying. For so long, I relied on knowing his location as the main reason to feel safe again.

I started crying and having a really hard time staying present in the room. AAC reassured me that I am going to get through this and that things will get better. She reminded me of ways I can help myself feel more grounded and skills I can use to help me through this. It does feel somewhat impossible to believe things will get easier. However, I used to feel I would never feel safe ever in my life, and now I have evidence from last time that it can get better. I used to tell AAC over and over again that nowhere felt safe. I was constantly on edge and swore to AAC that I would never ever feel safe again. Naturally, I was wrong about that, and I learned how to stop being so hypervigilant and paranoid. I need to trust that I can find that place again. All this time I have known that ____ was going to graduate. This was inevitable, and all I can really do is take care of myself and to continue being open and honest with AAC. In the past, I felt like recovery was entirely impossible, and now I am able to do outpatient therapy, instead of spending my days in a treatment center.

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