This is going up super super late. I started it at hmmm 9 or so? This is what happens when I watch Gilmore Girls at the same time. Also, I am proud to say that I can still quote along with the whole Pilot. Also, I
possibly definitely have to be somewhere at 9:30 am tomorrow…
Plain and simple – I am sick. I am sick and at this point there is no way it can be ignored. For a long time now, how I am honestly doing with recovery has been in the back of my mind, yet I have been running from the truth. Today, the truth smacked me in the face the second I walked into my session with BC. Now, BC has been my dietitian since July of last year. She has a very sweet demeanor and pushes me in a gentle way. Typically, our sessions focus on goal setting for the week and talking about things that went on the week before. Recently, however, her level of concern has been growing.
I sat down in BC’s office and her first sentence to me once we were settled in was, “So, I’m pretty worried” and then she mentioned instability/loss when it comes to my weight. For most of the session, I could not look at BC and I stared at the ground or other things in the room, trying my hardest to pretend I was anywhere other than in her office having a shitty conversation. Because, I have been waiting for weeks now for the day this conversation would happen. What she said did not surprise me, but the sick part of my mind kept thinking it would not happen any time soon. The rest of the session centered around my meal plan, how to stabilize my weight, etc. Being told my meal plan 1. needs to be followed 2. is being increased, felt like complete torture. Right now, my emotions are so controlled by disordered thoughts and that amount of food terrifies me.
Before AAC met with me, she checked in with BC about how our session had gone so she had some context for our session. Typically, our sessions begin with AAC asking me how things are going. Today, it was flipped with her telling me “We’re going to talk about what you just talked about with BC.” She then pulled out her blue marker (seriously, it’s always blue!) and wrote “PRO” then “CON” on her whiteboard. I gave her my classic annoyed face I always give her when she grabs her marker and whiteboard. She means business when she does that! AAC asked me what the pros of restricting are. At first, I hesitated to say anything and I admitted to her that I did not want to say anything for fear of having her tell me it is wrong. She said to just let it all out of my head. Then, she had me tell her the cons and I told her “Because it’s bad…” Since she is the best therapist ever she indulged me by writing “b/c it’s bad” on the top of the con list. I then gave her the cons including that my heart would get more fucked and she added “heart health down/’fucked'” No worries, I also gave her some more detailed/real answers 😛
She then moved to the bottom half of the board and had me do a pro vs. con of following my meal plan. I struggled through the pros of my meal plan and talking about why eating more is a good thing. Once both lists were completed, AAC went through the lists asking me what things were short term and which were long term. For example, feeling better about my body only lasts for a while, because once I lose weight it makes me want to lose more. No amount of weight loss is ever enough for this eating disorder until it kills me. Following my meal plan would lead to a lifetime of more energy, a healthy body, and a happy mind. AAC, as always, was helping me to see that starving myself is not going to work. This is ruining my body and my mind more and more daily.
I wish I could say that the beginning of this session stuck in my head and makes me want to do better with my meal plan. Instead…I spent a lot of time yelling at AAC and telling her that everything she was saying was (and is) wrong. Over and over again she told me all about how I can have a bright future, about the different people who need me, how smart I am, etc., etc. and I just yelled at her more. She told me that she was not going to argue with me. I kept telling her that I do not matter, do not care about what she was saying, that she was wrong, etc. I looked her straight in the face and asked her why I matter at all. Alex told me,”I just told you so many reasons and this is so frustrating, because you matter so much and I just want you to see it.” Seeing her frustration, feeling my own frustration, and being incredibly overwhelmed lead to me crying and a lot of feelings I have been suppressing came to surface. So many hard things have been happening recently and the less I eat the number I feel.
The next few weeks are going to feel I am walking on broken glass, whilst being punched in the stomach, dodging spinning blades, being attacked by raging feral cats, and getting set on fire. I see BC and AAC on Monday and until then I need to work crazy hard or I will be spending summer miserable and potentially in some sort of treatment. At this point, I really really cannot keep going with this. My body has withstood all of this up until now, but that is only going to last so long. Stopping myself from putting my body through hell needs to happen and happen quickly. I wish I was able to say that I want to stop and I have to say that I want to continue. Soon, I will be working at a job where I will have to wear a bathing suit daily and the thought of that makes me cringe and even more obsessed with my weight, numbers, etc. However, I am not giving up yet…
This is not how I would like this blog post to end. It is not ending on a positive or hopeful note. And, this is simply the reality of what is happening and how relapse is. I titled this blog “Life and Recovery – The True Life of a Recovering, sassy, slightly awkward, feminist 22 year old” for a reason. My life and my recovery are not separate from each other and every action I take each day influences both. Recovery is messy and raw. Right now, it feels like hell. So, for now, I will do my best to trust BC and AAC’s support and guidance and try to remember the lessons and wisdom I learned from ES and BM. And, maybe one day I will trust the lessons and wisdom I have learned from myself.