Work, work, work, work, work, work.

Alright, so my title is totally dorky, especially because I barely know the song. Basically, my knowledge of the song is that it says work a lot and it is sung by Rihanna. LCM can definitely tell you how out of touch I am with current pop culture. I had to ask her who Lorde and Matthew McConaughey are…, lol. I suppose I am too busy listening to Sara Bareilles…her music will always touch me deeply and she is my bae.

The title is about work because I officially began my job on Monday! I am working at a summer day camp. My campers are four and five. In other words, we are busy, busy, busy trying to make sure things go smoothly. They are still very young and they are learning how to keep their hands to their self,  raise their hands instead of shouting out, to tell a counselor (they all think we are teachers, lol) if someone was mean or hit them, instead of fighting back and a lot of other things. I love how they do not know that they are actually learning things. I love working with this age because they are so curious about everything. They are so excited to learn more and explore the world. They are definitely not the age where the older campers can be. Their attitudes are not disrespectful to any  counselors (for the most part). I am enjoying them so much.

In my last couple of blog posts, before this one, I talked about how AAC and BC were always warning me that I would not be able to work at camp. My relapse was getting even more severe with my thoughts and also my level/amount of behaviors that I have been recently using. I was in such a bad place. Well, things have gone better than I thought, and AAC was right (:P :)) that I really can do better than I was before. Saturday, I went to a fancy steakhouse for father’s day.  I was able to fight enough that I ate well at the restaurant and made sure I had my exchanges. I did great there and then I felt so much guilt after. It was just so incredibly rough to handle and I still made it through. These pst three days at camo I have taken my own lunch, camp lunch is so nasty. I have been doing pretty good with eating my snack, lunch, and my second snack.

Saturday, I went to a fancy steakhouse for father’s day.  I was able to fight enough that I ate well at the restaurant and made sure I had my exchanges. I did great there and then I felt so much guilt after. It was just so incredibly rough to handle and I still made it throughYes, we did do father’s day early, no idea why, lol. The kids motivate me, the routine really helps, and I know that in order to be doing well I have to have a purpose. This summer, my purpose is to be the best counselor I can be and to go beyond the bare minimum of the expectations they have counselors do. I have learned from the sleep away camp, I went to as a kid, that if you think what you have done is enough then do one more thing. We can always go beyond and find another thing to be able to do.

My kids have been really loving camp! Today, when I went around and asked a lot of my campers, “Are you having a good day so far?” they all said that they were and a few kids told me, “I LOVE CAMP!” I asked one of my campers, who is a total sweetheart, what her favorite thing she had done during the day. She says to me, “playing with you.” My heart just melted. I am always worried that the kids will not like me. I still struggle with thinking everyone immediately hates me when they first meet me. Not logical, I know, and I just am still struggling so hard to think about anyone judging me is not worth my time. Also, even though I am embarrassed to say this because I feel like I am bragging (gahhhhh), I do truly know that I am very good at my job. I deserve to pat myself on the back for that. I love working with kids so much and that is why I am leaning more and more into the idea of being an elementary school counselor ❤

I am doing better with my eating. Above, I wrote about how my struggles have improved a lot. However, I still struggle every day still. I have been hating my body so much! I am constantly obsessing over how my body looks. I do not even know if what I see in the mirror is truly how I look. In my view, I feel like I have gained SO much weight from doing better with my eating. Not knowing what my body looks like is scary and overwhelming! My self-esteem is also so damn low. I did find a sheet that my first therapist at TK JD gave to me. It’s an exercise in self-esteem and you answer two questions throughout the whole week. Some days at TK, I had no idea of questions that asked me to recognize pride in myself. I would not write something for that day or some wonderful Behavioural Health Specialists. I am so grateful for the staff when I was on my first lodge my first time at TK.

Things are hard and those things have been hurting a lot, even with how happy camp makes me feel. Those things are still just so painful or confusing or things that make me want to give up on my recovery of self-harm, PTSD, anxiety, purging, binging, and restricting, and a few more things I will keep private.Thankfully, I see AAC tomorrow for therapy. I had been a whole week since I have seen her. I feel so relieved to be able to talk to her about things that I cannot mention to others. My world has been so blessed and I am so fortunate that I have found a therapist I feel 100% able to tell anything to. Again, things are still hurting and some self-harm urges have coming up. I am fighting them hard, however, and I have made it over 90 days without self-harming in any way 😀

Overall, I am happy and also not. I feel so much confusion about I am truly happy or not. Tomorrow, I am hoping to use the relief/knowledge of seeing AAC as a way to stay focused on how support will be right after camp. For now, I live as best I can, a single step and that another one. I am here and that shows resilience.

xoxo,

Lil ❤

I apologize if there are any grammar or spelling mistakes. I am exhausted from today and I slept for aproximately 4 and a half or so hours. Today has been brutal. So, here we go, time time to me to do something nice with it!

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