This is a post that I do not want to fully write. This is going to be a challenge. Part of me feels/wants to cry about this and the tears also will not come out. Obviously, by the title you can see that I will be returning to treatment. It feels quite disappointing to officially know that this is the place I am at with my recovery. I have never dreamed of this or wanted this. That is probably pretty self-explanatory…I am frustrated and I also can finally admit that this is what I need to help me and frankly save my life.
Last week, my therapist told me that she was strongly recommending for me to go to residential. This had been a topic of discussion for a long time. I have been talking about that here on my blog for a while as well. Things have kept going downhill more and more, quickly spiraling out of control. I know that I am over my head. My therapist gave me a pamphlet for a program. In my head, I had known that this moment was going to happen. It still was so crushing and sad to hear it.
I told her that I did not want to go. That is natural. My eating disorder is trying so hard to convince me that I am not sick. I see it, I know from how my body feels and how it looks that I am not healthy. The disordered thoughts still fill my head consistently. Being vulnerable, I told her that I do not want to go because I feel that other girls are sicker than I am and that they deserve to go to treatment more than I do. My guilt for going is fairly strong. Of course, with an eating disorder, it is easy to compare your body to other people. Part of why I do not want to go is because I fear that everyone there will judge my body and think that I am a fraud, that they will look at me and not believe that I need to be there. These thoughts hurt so much.
However, when I got home and began to think about returning to treatment, I started to feel a sense of relief. I recognized that I truly am so exhausted. I am exhausted of living the way I am. My body is weak, achy, tired, and in pain. My mind can barely remember things someone just told me. I am told horrible and hurtful messages from my eating disorder 24/7. There is a bully in my head at all times and that is so emotionally painful. This is becoming so tiring and I am realizing and beginning to admit that this could easily kill me if I do not stop. This is terrifying to face and I do honestly know that this is something I need to do.
Tonight, I went to the support group that I regularly attend. I told the girls the news and they were incredibly supportive. No one judged me or saw this as a failure. All of them reassured me of how much they want me to succeed. Also, group was simply great in general. It is the same girls that regularly come and we have a close-knit group. For instance, we have jokes between us and things we can laugh about. Every single group is very positive and I am infinitely grateful to have such a great group of girls who support me. They all wished me luck. I am unsure of if I will be able to attend next weeks group are not. We are unsure of the exact date that I will be admitted to this program. It is all the way on the other side of our nation. I will be miles and miles from home. My goodness, that is incredibly scary and anxiety provoking. I have never been that far from my home by myself…this place looks very caring however and that they will help me get through any potential homesickness.
I have a tangled web of emotions about everything. Identifying all of them is incredibly difficult and challenging. So, I am trying to just ride it out, keep myself safe, and go minute by minute to survive all of this. “Feel the fear and do it anyway.” Life is what it is right now and I will see where this goes. I do not know the future and I will try to embrace what occurs. Prayers, good vibes, support, hope, etc. would be infinitely appreciated by me at this time, thank you.
*Sorry for all the spelling/grammatical errors in this post. I have zero energy to even try to write this post, despite wanting to write it, and I cannot manage to edit this post. My apologies!