Well, I have only written a post once since I returned from residential treatment. Honestly, getting on this blog and posting something has been quite challenging. It is so easy to get into a self-critical space and think that whatever I write is not going to be good enough, smart enough, or anything worth reading. That fear has kept me from writing. It is so odd to me when I think about how I used to write near daily a while ago. I will get on here, begin a post, and then exit out of it. I have more than one draft saved right now, and they range in length from a few sentences to near completion.
A large part of this is because I am scared to admit that I am anything less than perfect in my recovery. I keep worrying that if I write that I am struggling then, it means I am failing at all of this. My perfectionistic tendencies have been kicking in and a lot of fear around potentially letting others down has come to the surface. I have been feeling that fear constantly. I worry that I am going to be letting everyone down if I do not do well enough with recovery. Whenever I walk into a therapy session or meet with my dietitian, I am consumed with anxiety over having them be upset with me, and I worry that I am going to upset my friends if they find out the times that I still struggle.
However, now that I think about all of this more, it occurs to me that I am probably letting myself down more than I am letting anyone else down. My anxiety over all of this is causing so much stress, and when I am stressed I end up wanting to deal with that by using behaviors…you see where I am going with this? Besides, why am I living my life for other people? At the end of the day, this is my recovery and my life. Every single day I am causing myself more struggle than is necessary because I am trying to be perfect for everyone. That is literally killing me because it is causing me to not eat enough and be stressed out to the point of increased difficulty in managing my level of anxiety and depression.
I need to start living my life for myself. This is my body and this is my future. Living day to day trying to be perfect for others will only lead to more self-hatred. Realistically speaking, I am not ever going to be able to make everyone in my life happy. I do have the power, however, to make myself happy.
So, damn it, that is what I am going to do my best to do.