At the moment at least three blog posts currently sit partway completed in my drafts. They are all posts I feel passionate about, and yet I still cannot seem to finish them. So, I am just going to sit down and write about what has been going on in my life recently. The past two months have overall been very different for me. My level of motivation in recovery has shifted in a positive direction, and I have been feeling much better about things for the most part.
However, in this past week and a half, I have been feeling so incredibly frustrated. I am just absolutely sick and exhausted of battling anorexia. I am tired of caring about the size of my clothing or the number on the scale. I am sick of worrying all the time about what others think of my body. I am tired of putting so much power in the food I do and do not allow myself to eat. I hate that I still have days where restricting my food feels like the answer to everything I am dealing with.
And, truthfully, I am angry. I am angry that I have an eating disorder and I am upset that things seem so unfair. I did not choose to ever struggle with anorexia, yet I have to fight to recover from it every single day. It is really challenging for me to acknowledge that this frustration is inside me because it comes with a lot of feelings of guilt. I hate feeling like I am looking for sympathy or pity because I have an eating disorder. I worry that it will seem like I am saying that my struggles are worse than others or that I am implying others do not face significant struggles in their lives. However, I still want to scream and shout about how it just is not fair. Because it simply isn’t. This was never a choice I made because who would ever choose to battle something so awful? Who would want to become literally terrified of putting food into their body? No one, that’s who.
One quote I really like is, “You don’t have a right to the cards you believe you should have been dealt. You have an obligation to play the hell out of the ones you’re holding.” I think about this quote a lot and about the fact that life has thrown a lot of curveballs my way. These words help me find some strength, and they give me a hand (no pun intended) in reminding myself that God has not given me more than I can handle. I was given this battle because I have the strength to get through it.
That does not remove any of the anger, though, and maybe tonight I just need to allow myself to actually be angry for once. Maybe I need to validate my own feelings and stop telling myself that I need to feel a certain way. Perhaps I need to take the time to mourn the opportunities and experiences I have had stolen from me due to this disease. Maybe I need to validate to myself that this is not an easy struggle and that I have braved a lot of pain these past years.
Perhaps, I just need to let myself be human and real and raw?