To the Girl on Her First Day of ED Treatment –
First and foremost, your mind is lying to you right now while it tries its very hardest to convince you that you are going to be the biggest, fattest, ugliest girl in the room. It is lying to you when it says that it is your best friend, that it will make you better or worthwhile or powerful, and that it is an answer to all of your problems. It is lying to you when it says that no one is going to believe you have an eating disorder. It is lying.
I believe you. I believe that there is hurt inside of you that is so vast and so profound. I know that you are not vain or shallow. I know that you are not doing this for attention. There is a real reason behind why you use these behaviors. Right now your eating disorder feels like the only way to get through how much everything hurts. I see that, and I see you.
I know that you are so incredibly terrified…terrified of giving up your eating disorder and also so afraid of another day under its harsh rules. Suddenly, there are new rules: keep your hands on or above the table, no clothing with long sleeves and big pockets allowed at meals and snacks, daily weigh-ins where you are told to turn around, not being able to flush the toilet without someone checking first (awkward), a meal plan, and more. Every single one of them goes against everything your eating disorder has been having you do, and suddenly it feels like the disease has managed to become even louder.
This is not going to be easy, and this is not going to be fun. I am not going to lie to you or pretend that it is. That will never do you any good. However, there is a part of you that wants to get better. Otherwise, you would not have gone into treatment. Last summer I was sitting in the airport on my way to CFD, and my eating disorder was screaming at me to not get on the plane. Miraculously, literally minutes before boarding I got a call from my therapist. She reminded me that admitting myself had been my choice and that it showed that at least part of me wanted to get help. I kept those words in mind during the days I wanted to give up.
Deep down you know that you are exhausted of living every single day being constantly berated by a voice that is always yelling at you about how worthless you are. I know because I have been there time and time again. I promise that this is all going to be worth it. Recovery really is possible, and you are not alone. Wake up every morning and give it your best because freedom from your struggle is completely worth the effort. Remember that you are loved and that you are enough right now. You can do this ❤